Mad to live, mad to talk, mad to be saved. . .

[Private]

If that's what bravery and courage is, to essentially just stand yourself in front of them and ask them to destroy you, then fuck me. I guess I'm just a spineless coward.


[Order]

Jesus Merlin. Seriously.

[Hexed Strongly Private to Charity]

Well, you've probably heard by now. Tibet was just a cover.

If I don't get a chance to say it in person ever, I just want you to know I always fancied the hell out of you. I'm sorry I acted like an idiot around you because of that reason.

I'm not a terro I mis

[/End hex]


[Order]

I don't know what to tell my parents, or if they'd even listen to me in the first place.

[Hexed Private]


If I actually stayed true to what I've been telling myself for ages and just up and left for some remote area of Southeast Asia where nobody could find me, none of them would give a shite. None of them would notice I'd left, and perhaps it's all as well. I don't do anything useful as it is, I don't know why I still bother.

But one loudmouth girl calls everyone an asshole and pulls some immature shit that I only now read about and they're up in arms and apologies and pleas and the usual chaos that comes with being in this joke of a group. And everyone's getting attacked and I feel like a sitting duck and I don't dare pop my head out and say anything or offer to help because I can't do shite. I can't.

This could all be avoided. Fuck this detached involvement, I'm just detached. Even just by being in this one spare room with the Minister's brother in the cellar. As close to an empty mountaintop in Tibet as I'll ever be.

[/End hex]

[Warded Private to Order]

My boss bought it when I gave my notice and told him I was taking off to Tibet. I guess I talked about Tibet to him a lot more than I ever thought. Even if it's a shite excuse, I guess it doesn't matter much anymore.



I'm sorry for what I said and thought. You all were right.

I'm already here and I'm going to make something to eat.

[/End ward]

Hangover cures are much appreciated if you have any. I've tried my standby of buttery toast and Chinese noodles, hasn't worked. Yet.

[Warded HEAVILY to his close friends - Rita and Doris and Amelia]

I think I just kissed a fifty year old woman. Maybe forty years old, but that doesn't really make it any better. And rather than repulsed and weirded out by my well-alcoholed actions, I'm more shocked at realizing it's been six months or so since I had a good snog. This is not healthy. At all.

And one of my good friends from school has been looking. . .really really hot pretty to me lately. I don't know why - well, I do, because she's gorgeous and funny and. Maybe I'm just stressed. I suppose it's a bit awkward to say "Oh hello, I offer to help you ward your friend and new roommate's flat for you, you knew me when I was a dweeby little first year and I haven't really changed that much, but you're gorgeous and dark-haired and have the bluest eyes and you're just bloody gorgeous and would you go on a date with me, even if I'm a loser and I tease you all the time for your slightly ridiculous new job". Besides, that's a run-on sentence, but apart from that, still.

This does not bode well for that new "do not long for anything" mantra I'm trying to live by, but I'm not Buddha or anything. Jesus Merlin.

[ / End Ward]


Middle of summer and I'm realizing I look the same as I do in the dead of winter. I also haven't seen the ocean in Merlin knows how long. I need a sunburn that peels and eventually looks like a nice tan, anything to get rid of this corpse-chic look I have going on. Not good. Not good at all.

So. I may have gone back and gotten the second tattoo on my other arm. I'm completely out of money, but I think it was worth it. Not that the dharmacakra has made me any calmer or detached, but so be it. It looks good in the mirror, at least. I don't know what the elephant will do. Maybe it will influence the whole spirit-power-something animal thing a little more.


[Charity]

Are you allowed to come over for a drink or dinner or maybe go somewhere else other than this pub with me? I mean, I'm not of noble birth at all, but just making sure.


[Rita]

Did Al like the tattoo? I'm jealous, I kind of want an anchor myself. But I can barely manage in a paddling pool, so it would be all a sham, wouldn't it?


[Order Minus Sirius]

For the record, why don't we just fracture and not actually do anything of any use? Jesus Christ, this is fucking ridiculous. I don't know why I joined up. I might as well quit, seeing as we have everyone running around doing jack shite of any use to anything at all and what the hell is James on about with this Sirius shite and what if he's still a sp

Anything about those dueling meet-ups? Because if we're not doing them at all, I'll take it up on myself to at least try to organize something. Least I can do.

I don't know how detached involvement is supposed to work for anybody outside of some secluded Asian mountaintop where there's nothing to do or interfere with anyways. So much for grace and enlightenment in wizarding Britain.


I'm getting a tattoo tomorrow. Debating between an elephant and a Dharmacakra. Leaning toward an elephant. I figured it's sacrilegious to get Ganesh tattooed on your upper arm, so it won't be the first elephant I chose. I think after all these years of nothing, it's a good present to myself.

To whom it may concern meaning who the hell ever:

If I appear to have vanished for the past few days it is only because I decided in a moment of existential crisis boredom and curiosity to shave my weak attempt at a beard off.

I looked like a twelve year old.

I tried a hair growth charm to get some of it back and I ended up looking like Rasputin. And then back to square one.

So that fifteen-year old serving you firewhiskey that must have been a new kid? Yeah, you get the idea.

[Warded to Order]

Is it normal for Skele-Gro pains to still be affecting you a week after the fact? Jesus, what the hell happened to me? And is this dent in the middle of my chest permanent?
Though I suppose having your lungs completely ruined is one way to quit a smoking habit.

I'm catching up on everything I missed and I'm still lost and don't know what the hell is going on. Status quo  It's hard to sift through the chatter about that one chick being up the duff and all. You'd think there were other things going on.

[ / End ward]


I don't have a damned thing to say. Except that I'm giving up smoking. Eloquent and meaningful at it's best.

Scribbled on a bar napkin Caradoc had in his back pocket, charmed to fly paper-plane style until someone intercepted it as it was flying around Dedalus' house - since he hasn't been able to focus enough to accio his journal or even think of doing so:

Bloody good week. Sometimes I worry that I have the mood swings of a fourteen year old girl, but I guess that just happens every now and then. It's a wonder what a difference fried bread and cheese can make. Or maybe I should be more concerned that my mental state and general outlook on life is improved vastly by hot brunettes who come to visit in almost consecutive days food. I suppose I can look forward to a life of obesity and not being able to fit through doors, but dammit, I feel happy, and if junk food is the cause of a brightened and sunny disposition, then by Merlin and Buddha, I'll stay by it.

Here's to you, this new-found cooking kick I'm on.

[Private]

At least now I don't feel like a complete fucking coward for just sitting down and shutting up. It just seems like the better idea, given things.

If I could do it all again, I don't think I'd join up.

[End ward]

The one day I go buy a muggle newspaper, just on a whim, and I read that Ian Curtis killed himself yesterday.


I think because of this, I'm in an odd mood, and it appears to have been manifesting itself equally as odd. Tonight I made breakfast for dinner and charmed bacon-wrapped toast soldiers to stand upright in my potatoes and form a Stonehenge monument.

I feel a little bit better now. I reckon I can credit the bacon-toast Stonehenge for that. I suppose I shouldn't feel personally upset, but I loved that band.

( Warded to Order )


Tom told me he wants me to start wearing dress robes during work to look more "professional." Over my dead body, I said. When he insisted, I accioed the only one I have and tried to make a gin and tonic with it on - only to end up spilling it all down the bell sleeve. Good way to prove my point, really, and a good way to mop up a spilled gin and tonic. Never. Ever.

[Warded to Order]
I don't even know why I'm writing this for anyone else to read. I don't even know.
I think, in the face of this clusterfu mess, one thing is sticking out to me. Maybe it's false, stupid, ridiculous hope, but I'm not sure.

Perhaps muggles, on such a public level, are not the ones to expose themselves so obviously in front of. Obliviators can only do so much. Testing the power of the Statute of Secrecy could be something we could bene
I need to think about this for a little longer. I have a headache from it all. Or I'm ridiculous and should just go back to work. My break is over anyways.
[ / End ward]


( Friends )